


the things they never said

by magnusthemighty



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ? - Freeform, Bunker Fluff, Castiel in the Bunker, Drunk Dean, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, idk its been a while since i wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2015-11-01
Packaged: 2018-04-29 11:26:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5125721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnusthemighty/pseuds/magnusthemighty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean nearly dies (again), and in those moments regrets everything he didn't do while alive. Cas, fortunately, fixes that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the things they never said

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for destieldrabblesdaily 's 20k promo  
> I didn't win, but I'm putting it up anyway ^.^  
> send me prompts: www.destiel-breaks-my-heart.tumblr.com/ask  
> more drabbles: www.destiel-breaks-my-heart.tumblr.com/tagged/my drabbles

In Dean Winchester's last moments, he prays.  
Who would've thought it?

His voice is hoarse and raw, his face is painted in vicious scarlet and he's slumped over on his side. He can just see his brother, far across from him in the dark.

"Cas" Dean chokes out, blood and tears thickening his voice. "I'm in bad, buddy. I screwed up."  
"Cas, forgive me, _please._ "

He can see Rowena taunting Sam, and he wishes he'd lived long enough to kill her and Crowley.  
But Cas'll finish them off. He trusts in that.

He feels the numbness begin to take over, his fingers and toes and cheeks feel frozen. His heart is slowing down gradually, and all he can think of is what an _idiot_ he's been.

He never told Sammy that he found the anti-depressants, he never sat down and told his little brother that it's okay, that he's been brave enough for so many years, that it's okay for him to take a break, that Dean can be brave enough for the both of them.

He never told Jody that he knew Bobby loved her, that he found the picture of her in the old man's wallet. Never thanked her for taking in Claire, or all those talks over cups of coffee or bowls of soup that allowed him to be vulnerable for an hour or two.

He never told Claire that he was sorry about her life, her parents, her grandma. That she's a great kid, and she'll go on to do amazing things. He'll never get to see her get out of hunting and do something with her brain, never get to see the look on Cas' face when she heads off to college.

Cas. Dean's throat tightens as his eyelids begin to droop, tears springing still.  
He'll never get to say I love you. He'll never get to apologise for all he's done. He'll never get to reassure him that he's family. He'll never get to tell him to stay.  
Cas'll never know that he was the best thing to ever happen to Dean's sorry little life.

And he ends with shame that he wasted everything.

 

"Dean." A hand is cradling Dean's jaw all of a sudden, and he's not numb, and there's no scarlet left, and, and-

"Cas." Dean breathes out. He looks beautiful, even now - brow furrowed in concern, panicked eyes relaxing as Dean speaks. "Cas, Christ-"

"Where's Sam?" Cas asks as he helps tow Dean to his feet, wiry hands holding him up, supporting him as they walk. 

"Knocked out. C-corner." Dean sputters, his head spinning. He can't see, but he can feel Cas' hand against his back, guiding him to his brother. Cas leans him against the wall as he crouches down to Sam. "God, I'm glad-"

"Cas?" Sam sounds just as confused as Dean is. "Dean? Where's Rowena?".

"Gone." Cas sighs, helping Sam to his feet and guiding Dean again, towards the exit now. "I was so close, but you were injured, and.."

"Cas- I- there's so much-"

"I'll drive." Cas announces, settling Dean into the back of the Impala along with Sam, the front empty.  
Dean wants to speak, wants to confess everything, but in this moment, all Dean can do is force out a stammered "Th-thank you." before exhaustion takes over.

 

_

 

"Anything, Cas?" Sam asks as he enters the lounge, passing beers along.

"Radio-silence. It appears Rowena's aware of her mistakes." Cas says bitterly, shrugging out of his coats, rolling up the sleeves of his white button-down.

Dean presses his lips to the bottle. "Yeah, well, she better run. Fuckin' doomed, hear me?"

"Dean-" Cas begins.

"I don't have the mark anymore, okay? You don't have to treat me like a friggin' child everytime I get antsy." Dean snaps, thumbs digging into the label of his beer. "Get pissed, she nearly killed me and Sam!"  
An _and you don't seem to give a damn_ is implied, Dean glaring before snapping out of it and looking back down to his hands. Of course Cas cares. It's childish of him to imply that he doesn't, after all Cas has done for them.

He doesn't know why he feels like this - on edge, nervous, even though they're as safe as they could be right now. He doesn't know what he expected from Cas - for him to magically know without Dean verbally pronouncing it that _oh, yeah, I've been in love with you for so long I can't imagine life without you anymore._

Cas stays silent, watching Dean with a calculated look on his face, as if he's studying him. Dean feels naked.

"Right. Well, whatever happens, we can't change the fact that we got nothing." Sam steers onwards, placing down the crate of beers onto the table. "I'm heading to bed - this might be our only break."

Dean waves him off, as his brother heads to his room. This leaves just him and Cas, tension still there, Dean's hands balled into fists.

"Dean." Cas says softly, eyes on Dean. "Dean, are you alright?"

"Fine, Cas." Dean chokes out hoarsely. "I'm fine."

He can feel Cas shifting closer, and he panics for a moment, but the angel just reaches to the table with an oh-so-innocent expression painted onto his features ( _yeah, a fucking saint,_ Dean thinks.) and gets out two more beers.  
Fucker knows what he's doing.

_

 

It's past midnight, and Dean is way too drunk to be this close to Cas, both painfully aware of the tension between them as Cas grabs Dean's wrist to settle himself and repeats again, "Dean, are you alright?"

Dean's jaw locks, but his drunken mind wants to speak, to confess.

"Fine." He forces out, taking another gulp of beer. "Fan-fucking-tastic, thanks for asking."

"Dean-"

"I said I'm fine." Dean opens another beer, earning a disapproving look.

"Dean, you're crying." Cas' voice is soft, but his words still feel like a knife.  
Dean curses under his breath and wipes his eyes with his free hand, pretending that he can't see the shaking.  
The words escape from his lips as if they were a natural, normal thing to utter and not a sign of weakness, vulnerability.

"I nearly died." Dean speaks quietly, throat raw, voice thick with tears, and Cas is just there, already listening and attentive and everything Dean will ever need. "I just- Cas, y'know how they say your life flashes before your eyes?"  
He nods curtly. 

"Well it does, sorta. You get the good stuff, sure, but you also get the bad stuff - the shit you regret. And Cas, Christ, I saw so much shit, things I'd been too chickenshit to deal with, and I- y'know, thought I was dying, and I felt fuckin' terrible, 'cause I'd wasted so much time being a fucking idiot."

Cas' hand is comforting on his wrist, supporting him. "I don't understand. You're intelligent, Dean. You've saved the entire human race at the threat of your own life more times than I care to think about."

"Fuck, Cas, I-" Dean looks up, into the blue eyes of his angel, and lets out a distressed sigh. "There was a shit-ton, 'kay? Like...like Sammy. Christ, I never told him that I found his anti-depressants. Never told him it was okay. Fuck, I'm a terrible brother."

"No, Dean, it's-..." Cas trails off, breathing out and letting his posture relax a little, temple bumping Dean's as he swings an arm around his shoulders. "I know it can be hard, talking about that, after everything you've been through."

"Cas, buddy, shut up, 'kay? It was selfish of me and you know it." Dean sighs into his hands. "Poor kid. And then there's Jody - never thanked her for anything. I mean, I used to call her, after I lost you and Bobby, and- fuck, I'd be in a state, Cas. Wrecked. And I never fucking thanked her."

"Dean-"

"And Claire, fuck, I should've phoned up to see how she is. That kid is a genius, Cas, she could go so far. I don't want her to do this. I don't want her to be like me."

"Dean, you're not anything to be ashamed of." Cas says firmly, bless his fucking heart. Dean almost believes it.

"How? How can you say that, when the person I've fucked up with most is you?" Dean says, voice breaking and so does the dam, everything he's kept hidden in his heart now flooding out and taking root in his lips. "Cas, I- I wasted everything we have. I could've- I could've told you when we though you were boarding up Heaven, and I'd never see you again. I could've told you when the fuckin' Zit Rien broke your arm and I was sitting by your hospital bed, holding your hand because you were fucking screaming, man, I could've-"

He takes a breath, as Cas tightens his hold reassuringly.  
"Cas, I could've told you I'm in love with you years ago."

 _"Oh."_ Cas says breathlessly after what feels like forever.  
"You..."  
"You love me. You love _me._ "

There's another long silence, and when Cas' eyes fall on Dean, he realise that no, Cas doesn't love him, and he's just ruined everything.

Dean flinches away now, rejecting Cas' hold, the angel's arm slipping from his shoulders as Dean shifts away coldly. Fuck him, he tries so hard not to cry when he speaks. "I guess that-" His voice breaks. Fuck. "I guess that settles things."

He feels like such a fucking baby, tears welling up, and he knows he must look ridiculous right now. "I'll just- Christ, I don't know, I-"

Dean's still speaking when Cas kisses him. His lips are fucking freezing from the beer, and he's not exactly the most experienced kisser in the world, but his lips are plush and perfect to Dean. Their beers are abandoned as Dean's hands frame his jaw, Cas' hands holding onto his sides. 

"You- you too?"

"I can't remember a time when I didn't." Cas reveals as they part, hands clasped, and Dean's convinced he's dreaming. 

"Christ, I'm so- I'm sorry, Cas, I-"

"You don't have to regret anything, Dean. I have always loved you, no matter what." Cas states, and he gives Dean time to breathe, to blink back the tears pushing behind his eyes. "And you me, apparently. Would you regret that?" 

"Never." Dean can see tears in the angel's eyes, but he's smiling, and goddamnit, that's adorable. He kisses Cas again.

"Dean." Cas says as they part, foreheads pressed together, breathing each other in because _it's never too late 'till it's the end of the world._ "I love you."

In this moment, Dean can't understand why it took him so long to say it in the first place. "I love you too, Cas. I really do."

Cas' smile is all he needs in that moment, and all he'll ever need again.  
And he's so glad he didn't end today.

_

 

The next day is a new beginning. And it's all due to Cas.

Dean Winchester starts with a prayer. Who would've thought it?

But these prayers are different now. They are comforts, mumbled through trembling lips on hard nights. They are promises, made in the dark of the lounge, passed through drunken lips to drunken minds. They are words of worship, murmured against soft skin in heated moments in the privacy of their room. They are reminders, constantly speaking of love, and life, and what comes afterwards. 

One night, while Dean's face is nestled in the crook of Cas' neck, Cas hears him.

"Dean, I'm right here." Cas speaks softly, his confusion true but not judgemental, not sharp, as he runs his hands down Dean's bare spine, rubbing soothing circles into his soft skin.

"I know." Dean pulls back, looking into those brilliant blue eyes and again, is reminded how lucky he is, as they fill with adoration and care and overwhelmingly pure concern.

_"I'm praying that you never leave."_

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for destieldrabblesdaily 's 20k promo  
> I didn't win, but I'm putting it up anyway ^.^  
> send me prompts: www.destiel-breaks-my-heart.tumblr.com/ask  
> more drabbles: www.destiel-breaks-my-heart.tumblr.com/tagged/my drabbles


End file.
